How Not to
Die’s Guide
to Parenting Like a Non-parent
Yes, you started out with the best of intentions but the second you saw that tiny little face all rational thought flew out the window. In the wise words of one internet meme, “You’re making it hard for me to be the mother I always imagined I’d be.” Why rely on the advice of so-called “experts,” (aka experienced parents). You had things all figured out before you even had a child, remember?
Polar Opposites
First and foremost,
remember that you swore never, ever to do anything the way your parents did.
You managed to survive despite the best efforts of those slavering idiots. Can
you believe those fools forced you out of doors to play during those hot, cruel
summers? Remember having to hand-write think you notes to Great Auntie Muriel?
Corporal punishment! And let’s not even get started on all the junk they not
only allowed you to eat but actually served to you in your young and tender
years.
Red Dye #7 = Red Poison #1
Hot dogs.
Boxed mac and cheese. McDonald’s. Before you became a parent, you vowed these
foods would never cross the lips of your child. Yes, you’re exhausted after
taking care of a two-year-old all day, but those frozen chicken nuggets you’re
warming up in the microwave might as well be uranium! A good parent serves his
children a dinner of (at least) three courses—hand prepared, organic, locally
grown (your garden is best of course) and totally unprocessed every night.
Canned, frozen foods or anything with additives or preservatives shouldn’t even
be discussed in the home. If you take a relaxed attitude towards food and dare
to feed your child gluten, make sure the item in question is 100% whole grain
derived. Finally, remember that cooking food drains it of all its nutrients, so
a raw paleo diet would be best.
Related note: If someone ever dares to hand your precious little angel something sugary, our advice is to snatch that thing up and scream like a banshee that your child has been poisoned.
Be Considerate
Never forget
that it is your duty as a conscientious citizen of the world to ensure that
your child is never bothersome to anyone. Ever. Firstly, if your child cries or
makes noise for any reason it is a parent’s duty to remove the child from the
room as soon as possible so as not to disturb anyone else. Secondly, it’s
actually better never to take your child anywhere. I mean, someone who just
wants to buy milk doesn’t need to hear your toddler repeatedly asking for candy
(please review the above paragraph if this is an issue for you). If you can
believe it, some parents actually take their children on plane trips, as if
they didn’t realize that planes are adult-only zones and anyone inconsiderate
enough to take a child should be immediately ejected. You can drive to Grandma’s
funeral, unless it’s in Hawaii, and then you should charter a private boat. If
you absolutely HAVE to go somewhere—and it better be desperate—apologize constantly
for the mere presence of your child to everyone you meet.
It’s All Your Fault
Your child
should be advanced, and if she’s not, it’s all your fault. This started in
utero with all of the exercise, healthy eating, vitamin-popping and classical
music listening you did, but of course this is not enough. Children should
never be allowed to have fun. Their days should be totally structured and
consist of being drilled with flashcards and given purely educational toys, starting
from around two months. (Babies before two months should be allowed to look at
flashcards and educational toys, but are not expected to start memorizing facts
or solving a Rubik cube).
Put your
child in the most rigorous educational program available at the youngest age
possible. It’s worth it due to all the advanced-placement opportunities in
adulthood, such as the special line in the grocery store for above-average
adults, or the parking spaces at concerts for people who knew the alphabet
before the age of two.
Related note: Always speak in complete sentences to your baby/young child and absolutely never use baby talk. You want your baby’s first words to be full sentences, not the, “mama,” and “dada” of average babies. Imagine the pride that will swell when you hear the words, “Mother, I feel the urge to urinate,” rather than a whiny, “I need go potty.”
Just the Facts, Ma’am
Children are
inherently rational creatures and there’s really no reason to cajole or bribe
them. Just state the facts and children will follow your guiding light.
Example One:
Fitzherbert, I know you want to go play with your friends right now, but you
need to go to the dentist and get your tooth drilled. Yes, it will hurt, but
the dentist will give you six shots of novacaine before the procedure. Uh-huh,
it has to be done soon otherwise the decay could enter your bloodstream and
kill you very painfully. Got your shoes on?
Example Two:
Toejam, it’s just a short little talk in church. The worst thing that could
possibly happen is that you’ll mess up and all the children will mock you and
you’ll be known as “Toejam the Loser” for the rest of your life as you crawl
the earth as a complete social outcast.
Example Three: Heinrich, stop crying about how that little boy knocked your tooth out and took your sandwich! Remember how Mother taught you to share? Your tooth doesn’t look too painful—we can get it surgically re-attached. Be nice! Tell him you’re sorry for shoving him off of you while he punched you.
Realize that only the elite (okay, people
without kids) will ever strive for the level of parenting you will achieve.
However, the vast majority of enlightened parents recognize the superiority of
your methods, and only lack the gumption and instruction necessary to apply
them. You can supply the instruction--in fact, it's your duty to all children
everywhere.
