Wednesday, September 5, 2012

3 Helpful and 7 Other Surefire Ways to Lose Weight

A recent study* found that 98% of all women in America want to lose weight. Weight loss remains a controversial topic, however. Conventional wisdom says that weight loss can be achieved by consuming less calories than one expends, but this is too basic for most modern women. Here are some tips to help you to achieve that magic number on the scale. 

Most helpful suggestions: 

1. The first way to lose weight is to add 300-500 calories to your diet.You need to eat more before you can unlock your body's fat-burning mode.Your total calorie count should not be less than 3000 per day, with at least 50% of the calories coming from fat or sugar. This will ensure that when you do lose weight, you'll be able to lose the maximum possible. 

2. After you've gained even more extra pounds, the next step is to acknowledge that you're overweight.The best way to do this is to go to Forever 21 and try on some clothes in the size you wish you were. As you sit in on the floor of the fitting room gasping for breath between sobs while trying to jerk on a pair of jeans that your arm can't even fit into, you will become really motivated.

3a. Immediately go on a crash diet where you pick one really distasteful vegetable and eat nothing but that. You don't even like celery, so you won't even want to eat it when you get really hungry!
3b. Promise yourself you will begin tomorrow as you go through a fast food window to pick up dinner.

Those are the most helpful suggestions that our extensive research uncovered. However, you should be prepared for a long journey, which will include many peaks and valleys. Here are seven other things you should keep in mind to help you. 

4. Visualize yourself thin. It doesn't really matter when you do this--it's just as effective while eating a king size bag of peanut m'n'ms as it is while you're lying on the couch. Just make sure you imagine yourself at your ideal weight at least once per day. 

5. Buy lots of healthy food and leave it sitting out around the house. Even if you don't actually eat the food, having it around will make you feel guilty. Guilt is a well-known calorie burner. 

6. Buy workout clothes--in your ideal size. If you think it's humiliating for a person of your size to be huffing and puffing out on the street in baggy sweatpants, imagine how humiliating it will be for a person of your size to be running out there nude because you can't fit into your workout clothes. You will definitely run fast so that the neighbors can't see you.

7. Remember that liquid calories don't count, so you should puree all your food. It is definitely possible to puree a steak dinner, so you won't have to miss out on any favorites in your quest. 

8.  After you've given up on the all-vegetable diet, remember that you should allow yourself a treat once in a while. Experts recommend the 90/10 ratio. It can be hard to squeak healthy foods into 10% of your diet, but remember, you're worth it. 

9. Try to squeeze in extra exercise as much as possible. It's possible to do leg lifts underneath a conference table with no one the wiser, and bun squeezes can be done pretty much any time without attracting too much attention. You can try parking in the back of the parking lot so you have farther to walk to make it into the grocery store, and so that you can practice some boxing or martial arts when you get jumped because you're in the far dark corner of the lot. 

10. Cut yourself some slack! You're really expecting a lot from yourself. Remember that it's normal to go years without seeing the numbers on the scale go down. Also--laughter is the best medicine, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and children are our future. Drink lots of water. That pretty much covers it. 

*study conducted in the minds of How Not to Die staff. 

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